Life and Its Twist and Turns

It has been a long time between postings. Some things have happened that made me look at my life and what's important to me. It started a bit back when the pressure at work began to affect my health. I have periodically had issues with stress affecting my GI system only once where it became serious, to the point where the doctors thought they may need to remove my colon. I had gone from about 135 lbs ( a reasonable weight for my frame) to about 110 lbs in about 4 weeks. I could not keep food in my system. I had my first colonoscopy at the age of 20. I had hip bones sticking out and visible ribs, something unusual for me after puberty. This time stress has caused an ulcer although there was a time when stomach cancer couldn't be ruled out. The thought of the latter absolutely terrified me. I know what that can mean and it was not something I wanted to go through alone but I would have to. I didn't know if I would be strong enough to do that, I feared I wouldn't be. I wouldn't ask what's left of my family to be with me through that and I don't think any of them could do it. I saw how they reacted to our parents' illnesses and deaths. I was wired differently than most of my family. I did watch my mom go through all the days in the hospital after dad's femoral artery bypass and his strokes and saw the similarities with her. But even we were different. Her emotions were never as close to the surface as mine are. You could never tell what hurt her emotionally whereas that shows all over my face. She saw what I did and how I reacted and thought I'd be a good doctor. What she didn't understand was how much it hurt me to see people hurt and to have to inflict more pain on them to eventually fix the problem. I could take apart a frog or pig or even a human heart but I couldn't pith the frog or decapitate the rat or inject the rabbit. I once told her, once it was dead I could do anything, but I couldn't do it when they were alive. I couldn't take blood from my lab partner, I couldn't demonstrate how to inject insulin on a person. I couldn't do anything I perceived as possibly giving pain, no matter how little.

Then there was the allergic reaction that never got address until the IT group wanted the loaner back. I realized I am over corporate life. There is no humanity there. It's time to move onto the next part of my life. My plans for retirement wasn't sitting in a chair in front of the TV, I do that nightly to try to remove the corporate day from my mind. It was to move onto a business of my own, the business changed a few times but it was something of mine, Something I controlled and something where people left in better spirits than when they came in. So at times, it was a restaurant, or a boutique but now it's a B&B. It has been for a while actually. I had found a great house in Bath NC with a deep water dock that could fit 4 boats. But Welcome got sold and I needed to move on. I looked at places in Greensboro and High Point when I lived there and had some possibilities. But then mom's and dad's health started to slide and I knew I needed to go back to NJ. So I put that desire on hold and did what needed to be done. Don't think I regret what I did, I don't. I reconnected with people I hadn't seen for a long time, I made new friends, and took a relationship to a different level. But it's coming to the time for me to take care of me. Because I can't expect anyone else to do that. I had thought Robert and I would be taking this on together, but that was not the future for us. We had gotten each other through many rough times but God or Fate decided he had been challenged enough or that I needed another challenge and he was gone. Now someone has come back into my life and I find myself on dangerous ground. He asked me at one point in a conversation, could you go back home again. I answered no not back to where you were but that a new chapter could be written. Robert and I walked out of each others lives several times, once because of his mom, once because I wanted more than he was willing to give but we always came back together. Life was better with him in mine and I think it was the same for him. I mean who would hang with someone who turned down 2 proposals and on the third, put a condition that was almost impossible for him to attain? But he did when I did just that. I knew new chapters could be written by old lovers and friends. But in saying that, the new chapter does build on the old and those old hurts need to be dealt with if they haven't been already. The relationship and trust needs to be rebuilt because, hopefully, you aren't the same person now that you were at 25. Or maybe you are and the other person need to decide if they are able to deal with that. Anyway, I don't know if by saying new chapters could be written I led him to believe that I want it to happen. I don't even know if that's what I want and what the chapters are to be. Is it just friendship or more? Then there is the issue that he's married , maybe unhappily, but still married. I'm not even sure what he wants, I initiated contact but we broke it off for various reasons and now he initiated it. Does he just need to talk to someone who is on his side, an outside observer or something else? Too much is unknown and I need to reign in my emotions, fantasies and imagination and deal with reality once I figure that out. Perhaps I need a good Gibbs smack to bring me back to my senses. I need to get back to my Sock Madness sock, Round 2 is on and one of 33 spots is mine. Here my progress so far.  I need the rest of the foot and a second to match.

　

　

　

Dangers of the Internet

I may be more curious than some others, but I think many of us wonder what ever happened to our 7th grade crush or the old college boyfriend. The advent of social networks has now made it possible for us to satisfy that curiosity. I recently joined facebook and have been a member of Classmates for several years. Through those two I have caught up with old friends and acquaintances. But recently, I have had the two most diverse reactions to my inquiries. I have been looking for my college sweetheart for the last 20 years. We did not have a good end to our relationship, but I was long over it. He was never active in the alumni association so that avenue was closed. I really didn't want to hire a detective to find him, so I tried some of those online services such as people search. That too was a dead end. I tried to find him through Classmates, but he wasn't there. After joining facebook, I thought I would give that a try, although I didn't hold out much hope. Lo and behold, he was there. I sent him a message and he responded. We had some conversations but it turns out that he really feels guilty about his behavior towards me back then. I had told him that I wasn't interested in picking up where we had left off, but I would like to be friends with him. I didn't hear back for a while and decided to check my friends list. He wasn't there any more. I was upset and thought he had unfriended me. He eventually answered me saying it was a computer foul up but he didn't try to refriend me when it happened. Unfortunately, it turns out that he can't deal with his past behavior and the fact that I had forgiven him. Or maybe it's that he's now engaged for maybe the 8th time to a woman who is young enough to be his daughter. ( He's 62 and she's 36.) That was the bad encounter. Now for the good one. I was searching for some names of old friends on facebook and found my old high school boyfriend. We had a nice conversation, laughing about the fogged windows in his old car and agreed to keep in touch now that we had found each other. As I get older, I find I want to reconnect with those from my past. It's like putting on that old sweatshirt, warm and comfy.

Now to the knitting. I have been plugging along on the ramie/silk top I mentioned in the first

episode. I have about 7-1/2 in still to go to the armhole bind off and shaping. I'm finding seed stitch a bit boring and am still on the back.

I have until July 20 to finish this. Any bets that I will make it? I think this is worse than lace. I did sign up for a KAL with Knit n Knag based on Norse mythology. I got some yarn from The Sanguine Gryphon (the recommended yarn) for it in a lovely green and brown shades. Unfortunately, the color is either retired or discontinued now. The first pattern clue comes out today. I will have to resist the urge to start it. I am so behind in so many KALs I don't know why I signed on for this one, except I love her designs. I haven't started the Winter KAL from Goddess Knits. Part of that was because I just found the right color beads for the hand-dyed yarn I got from my friend Wendy. The beads Wendy suggested looked too purple against the

multi-shaded blues . I've finally found a navy blue matte bead that looks good against the wool. I have the MMario MMystery KAL to finish. I'm more than half done with it, but put it away to do the Ravelympics. I also got the Moonfleet KAL from The Unique Sheep through EarthFaire. I bought a kit from Ellen that included the pattern, wool and beads. I did do the swatch for that shawl with the darkest color of the Eos gradience I purchased. Here's a picture of that. The second repeat has the beads while the first does not. I did a swatch for gauge because I have a finite amount of each of the 4 colors in the gradient. I wanted to be sure I would have enough to finish the shawl. But I normally do a gauge if one is given. I always do one when I'm designing so I know the finished product will fit and to plan the shaping of the garment. I have to know how many stitches I need to increase or decrease and how many rows I have to do it in. Well, I'm off for today. Gotta get back to my challenge top. Au demain (for the non-French speakers, Bye.)